Playboy Mommy

Losing Astrid was the hardest day of my life; harder than losing my fiance, harder than losing my cousin, because this time it was my body that couldn’t handle it. This time, I thought, “Am I so unfit that you don’t want me as your mother?”

I woke up to blood trickling down my leg and all over my sheets. It wasn’t time for my period but because of my travel schedule and stress I thought that maybe my cycle was messed up. I won’t go into specifics, it was painful, it was gross, and it was terrifying. Imagine feeling like a hand is inside of you tearing away at your insides. That’s what it felt like. I told my housemate, “something isn’t right.” She convinced me to take it easy for the day and I lay on the couch clutching my stomach. The next day I went to the Doctors. On my way there “Playboy Mommy” popped up on my ipod. I knew. They had me take a pregnancy test and proceeded to check me out. The test came back positive as the hormones stay in you for the next few weeks. I was starting to dialate, my body was in the first stages of preparing itself for pregnancy. They gave me a sonogram and checked to make sure there was nothing left inside of me. I had miscarried fully. She said I was 6 weeks along. Which is actually 4 weeks. They take the first two weeks before you get pregnant when the egg is forming. I still don’t understand why they add on the extra two weeks but they do. To me it will always be a month because that’s the day she was conceived. My Doctor was extremely nice. She always calls me little “Little beautiful one” and she stroked the side of my head as I cried. She had done me a huge favor by letting me in that day. She’s always booked but because I was so distraught she switched her schedule a bit to fit me in.

I went home and listened to “1,000 oceans.”

Later in the day I picked up some candles at the store. This was the first contact with her energy. Walking into the store, I immediately was drawn to a pair of pink barrettes. I had a feeling it was a girl but this confirmed it. I kept finding sweet pink candles and finally a small little faerie/angel figurine. I took them home and set them up. The energy was amazing. I have never felt something so pure in my entire life. She was love in it’s purest form. She had never seen hate, jealousy or violence. She was the purest of the pure. I immediately fell in love and I knew what her name would be. Astrid, it just came to me, like she had named herself and I was merely there to retrieve the name and say it out loud.

After a month I finally told her father. I hadn’t spoken to him in two months. I couldn’t keep the information from him. It wouldn’t be right and it wouldn’t be fair. He said he was sorry. I think that’s all someone can say in those circumstances. I was shaking so hard I couldn’t say what I needed to say. I broke down afterward and curled up on the couch with my cat. My roommate smiled at me sympathetically while I tried to drown everything out in the television. Later in the evening I told my parents. They had noticed I was acting strange, withdrawn and they were starting to ask questions about my mental state.

My mum asked me two questions:
“Are you upset because you were happy that you were pregnant?” and “Did you want to keep her?”

Here are the answers:

1. I am upset that I didn’t know and by the time I found out, I had miscarried. I had no chance to really think about it because by the time I actually knew for real, she was gone.

2. I would have kept her. I wouldn’t of been able to have an abortion and I wouldn’t have kept her for selfish reasons like to get him back or have the connection to him. That is not my way. I would have kept her because she was mine. It is as simple as that.

I know I’m still grieving because I still clutch my stomach at night. I still rub it gently when I think of her. And it feels so fucked up because before I even knew I was officially pregnant and then not I found myself gently placing my hand on my stomach all the time. I didn’t know why. But her energy is beautiful and sometimes I’ll play certain songs because you just can’t be sad when she’s so pure and filled with light.

I don’t think I was unfit anymore. I just think the timing wasn’t right, there was too much stress, etc. In time the wounds will heal and I’ll be able to go on with my life but now I am grieving and that is equally important to healing and moving on. It’s hard when many of my friends are having children and talking about how in love they are with them. I loved her too. My priorities are changing, things that didn’t seem important are now very important. I’m changing as well…

On the outside I try to be happy, I’m doing things and putting myself out there but on the inside I’m torn, weakened, and bruised. I can’t stop crying.

* My Mum called me today. She wants me to take the little angel that was my grandmother’s and put it on the altar. “I’m just so sorry for you.” She sobs. It breaks my heart.

Astrid

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