Yes you are my lovely astronaut

I rarely have dreams with the spirits but the ones I have had, have been incredibly profound and emotional.  I knew waking up that morning that something was changing.  As we get closer to All Hallows Eve and Day of the Dead something in the air starts changing, whispers become coherent voices and shadows tend to emerge from even the unlikeliest of places.  I wasn’t feeling the usual spirits, well except for Brian and the children but the voices around were from those I hadn’t heard of before.  I was starting to feel crazy.

For any medium or spirit worker to feel crazy is a regular emotion.  And yes, I’m calling crazy an emotion because sometimes it can be.  The spirits had been speaking through music the past few weeks, a means of communication that is easiest for them.  It may be also that is the form of communication most easily accepted.

But like I said before, this time was different.  I had the urge to listen to one song over and over:

it is enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day I’m a little further off

I knew it was for Astrid.  She had been wanting my attention for a while now.  So much that when my godbrother found a locket and I stuck it on her altar she wanted two pictures in it.  One of me and one of her Father.  I’m not going to say it was easy.  I’m still very angry with him yet I still care about him very much and this of course makes me angry at myself.  But I digress, she wanted my attention and she got it with this song.

The strange thing about spirits is that they come to you as the age you will most accept them.  Colin comes to me as a very energetic 4 year old and Astrid comes to me as a very bookish 9 year old who only wears pink dresses.  Oddly enough Colin would be older if either of them had been born.  Both of them had been active and still have been.  I was getting the feeling their Father’s would be getting big surprises soon.  In one case spirits only let you ignore them for so long and in others once they are know and have had attention they want more of it.

So all day I listened to this one song and it fed me.  I was open, I felt her and that night before i went to bed I thought about her constantly.

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

Dream:

Holly was holding Astrid’s hand and lead her over to me.  Holly and I haven’t spoken since a certain incident.  She didn’t look happy but I smiled at her anyway.  “Hi.” I said and could hear my housemates words “Even though she hurt you, you still love her don’t you?”

“Yes,” I thought, “and I still do.”

She stepped back and there in front of me was Astrid, my daughter.  At this moment I knew something had shifted.  Even though it was a dream I could feel her physically as she hugged me, as I held her hand and we talked.  I don’t remember what we talked about but it wasn’t the important part.  The important part of the dream was that I touched her.  She was human, in the flesh and I could feel that immense love she had for me, for her Father.  She was pure and passed no judgement.  When I awoke I smiled.  There was something so pure and lightand I carried it with me for the day.

I still feel crazy sometimes, half here and half in their world but I know it’s where I have to be.  It’s what makes me human.

and you may be acquainted with the night
but I have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way

Astronaut – Amanda Palmer

Colin’s Daddy

Colin’s Daddy came for a visit. It was the first time both of us have been together since I told him about the abortion. It took me 3 years to tell him and a year for us to get adjusted.

It’s an interesting experience, sharing a spirit with someone. His first night in town we drank rose on a beautiful balcony in the financial district and compared stories. As we spoke we realized that we were very in tune with Colin’s energy as well as our own. The days I couldn’t feel his presence he was with his father and the days he didn’t feel he was around I knew Colin was with me. It was the first time we talked as parents as well.

There is something very comforting about talking openly and sharing experiences. It helps that we have remained good friends and have both concluded that Colin is better off and happier as a spirit than if we did actually have him. Both of us make excellent spirit parents but have so much on our plates in real life and live in separate countries that we never could have made it work in the physical life.

He had written a little note on a napkin which I tenderly put behind the picture on my boveda and then gave him one of my bracelets to put on his own space for Colin. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing more of each other in the next few months but in the meantime I am so very grateful for the time we had together.

Astrid’s altar

Connected

So you heard I crossed over the line
Do I have regrets?
Well, not yet

There are some, some who give blood
I give love
I give

Recently my friend Anya wrote a blog about what keeps her connected to the mundane world. Oddly at the same time I was pondering the same thing. In a recent conversation with my Godbrother he mentioned that sometimes one’s gift can also be their curse. For me it’s a very fine line. I could easily fall into a life only speaking to spirit, living happily with Brian and my children but that would isolate me. It may even drive me insane losing all connection to those living in my life.

Most people do not know the isolation that comes with being a medium. Half the time I’m seen as a conversation piece, someone who is interesting, otherworldly, but not someone that anyone could settle down with. I come with spirits and tarot and a few Orishas. I come with baggage.

Having one foot firmly placed in the underworld and one foot here is mind boggling. I see things most can’t, hear what most don’t want to hear, and feel more than I can comprehend, yet I’m always seen as blasé. It takes a lot for me to show even a little emotion. I do this with gestures, small gestures that probably mean nothing to most people but everything to me. Touching is huge as it connects me to that person and often to their spiritual court. If I’m going to touch someone, especially holding hands, it’s going to mean something. Hugging I can do in small doses, long hugs don’t work unless I’ve known you for a long time or have some kind of intimate relationship. Most of the time I stand arms crossed as if protecting myself. In a way I am, there is a part of me that still feels that if I get too close to someone they will go away as well. So with very little contact how do I keep myself connected?

Soon, before the sun
Before the sun begins to rise
I know that I, I must give
So that I, I can live

I connect with the earth and putting my hands in it, I connect with food and scent, my cat who’s a little force of her own, my family and friends. I can’t always understand and at time I do disconnect from human emotion but simple conversations bring me back. I connect by dancing in the rain and taking baths in herbs. I connect by thinking of the lives of those who passed before me. When remembering the deceased alive, I connect with their humanity. I also connect with self-portraits. Looking at my face and eyes with life in them keeps me in this physical world. It’s proof that I exist, that I am flesh and bone. Some people call it vanity, I call it survival.

But I can also disconnect very easily from people and places and it’s in those times that I rely on my support system to reach out to me. Mediums are prone to depression, we don’t want to commit suicide but often we wonder why we are alive. When you are blasé about life what do you do?

I can only find things, places, people to inspire me. I start new projects on a daily basis and sometimes barely keep up with my own life. I do all of this so I can live.

Abnormally Attracted to Sin

Make You Smile

I received this email a little while ago and it touched my heart. I found it again tonight and it made me smile. Being a death worker isn’t always easy. There’s a lot of loss but slowly you learn to accept it. It’s lonely, sometimes no one undertands you or what you do. Sometimes giving messages is all you can do, sometimes receiving them puts you at ease. I’ve had very little words for the past few weeks. All I can do is document with photographs because sometimes a timer and a flash are the best therapy you can get.

oh, darling,

that’s beautiful.

and you’re not unfit. but apparently the situation was. and that’s
something that’s out of your hands.

you don’t have to grieve her or miss her because she’s still yours and
she’s with you now and always.

and when the time is right for you to have a child you’ll know if it’s
supposed to be another or if little astrid is supposed to hop back in
to a new body.

in the meantime, your little boy…..it’s colin right, i wrote the
name down and then suddenly wasn’t sure…….has a sister to guide
him and they can help each other grow and they can help you, too.

About four years ago I had an abortion. I never forgave myself for it. I named him Colin and finally this year told his father and made peace with him. It was the most healing thing I could have done. I enjoy sharing Colin with Peter. I hope one day I can share Astrid with David. He’s knows about her and that’s all I can offer at this moment.

Warm Little Diamond

November Rain

The Gypsy, The Vampire, The Reader

Last night in a strange fever I lay on the bed face down, beneath me a body formed and the heat was unbearable, arms closed in around me and beckoned me to stay. The air conditioner pumped full blast as I struggled to breathe from the heat. As I told Mandy today, I feel like I’m slowly going crazy. At least I’m not coughing blood anymore.

Watermelon bubble tea from Chinatown and a new fan cooled my soul. It’s odd to sit with people while they tell you how great and inspiring you are. I get nervous, like I want someone else to talk but out of it I’ve been called “The new Cindy Sherman” Photography shows are in my future.

Patience

During my reading with Sherene she had to pause a few times as the music stopped and repeated this song over and over. “I feel like this is a message for you.” She said.
“Of course,” I replied, “Brian always comes to me through Guns N’ Roses.
After I had sent her the lyrics to the song I received this as a reply. “i could really feel that was for you!
so much so that i couldn’t hear anything else….that’s so sweet that you have someone on the other side so in love with you–a real guardian angel “

Patience lyrics
1,2,1,2,3,4
[whistle]
Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you
I’m still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt
You’re in my heart now

Said, woman, take it slow
It’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience
(patience)
Mm, yeah

I sit here on the stairs
‘Cause I’d rather be alone
If I can’t have you right now
I’ll wait, dear
Sometimes I get so tense
But I can’t speed up the time
But you know, love
There’s one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
‘Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I’ve got what it takes
To make it, We won’t fake it,
I’ll never break it
’cause I can’t take it

[whistle]
…little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
need a little patience, yeah
just a little patience, yeah
some more patience, yeah
need some patience, yeah
could use some patience, yeah
gotta have some patience, yeah
all it takes is patience,
just a little patience
is all you need *

I BEEN WALKIN’ THE STREETS AT NIGHT
JUST TRYIN’ TO GET IT RIGHT
HARD TO SEE WITH SO MANY AROUND
YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE
BEING STUCK IN THE CROWD
AND THE STREETS DON’T CHANGE
BUT BABY THE NAME
I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THE GAME
‘CAUSE I NEED YOU
YEAH, YEAH, BUT I NEED YOU
OO, I NEED YOU
WHOA, I NEED YOU
OO, ALL THIS TIME **
(ah)

The Invitation

Spent the evening bathing in orange blossoms and covering myself in rose scented shea oil. I have a cold, my bodies effort in purging the negativity from my system. Thinking of Colin and Astrid makes me happy. Wearing Brian’s rings makes me happy. Frankly, I really like myself as a person. I enjoy my own company and when looking back I’ve had an amazing life. Being spiritual can be hard, it van be lonely, and terrifying but I am so glad to have the connection. It makes me whole. Kathleen sent me the “New Poem Book” which I have enjoyed reading. Here is a tidbit from it.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
For your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals or
Have become shriveled and closed from fear or further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own;
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
To the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
Be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life from God’s presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have,

I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here,
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the Fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you. have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away,

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, And if you truly like the
company you keep in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Indian Elder